March 20th
What falls away for me is partly conscious, of necessity, and partly unseen. That is, there are things I am shedding right at this very moment which must go their way. This must be why I never remember to use a camera, a thought which is contingent upon the next, what does it mean to record a memory? How to be like William Carlos Williams here. I am not overwhelmed by emotions right now, but patient, calm inside of them. I beg of myself to let me inhabit my experience. Slowness, says Hejinian, is the key to all. How my mind flutters to any open page right now, what strange new survival. I feel more absent and lonely outside the camera in those prolonged seconds before the finger errs in its search for the button, before the needling flash, as we, I, reduced to a subject, an object, am conditioned, am coaxed into a suspended existence for "just a little bit longer" as I "hold it", and therefore, hold myself. It is necessary to continually fall away, how else have I have here? Fold. Open.
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