community is a homeless word

do people really belong with other groups, other people, or do they merely just join them? if the latter, there is something organized, something militaristic about belonging to a community that leaves me well, unsettled. sometimes i wonder if i just imagine community that i still don't really know what togetherness is between humans who are otherwise strangers. sometimes i think that everyday community borders on opening a door for someone or listening to a homeless person talk about what troubles them, but i'd like to believe it's something deeper, richer, and far more fulfilling than that--a kind of connection with no expectations but a knowing that if in a moment of true crisis you could expect so and so to pull you through. i'd like to think of community as a kind of ever-suspended selfless love that hovers over us and maybe strengthens us a little throughout the day even just by thinking about its presence. all i know is that i keep searching for it for some reason. i don't even know what it is really, but i just keep looking because i feel compelled to do so. the strange thing is that when i find myself looking that's when i feel alone. generally, i don't feel lonely in the world or in my life except for these moments. maybe it's because i'm searching outside myself and it reminds me that i have no home in that sense. perhaps my idea of belonging has been forever changed from my years spent in korea. i knew there that i was never accepted, but i was needed and used in a very practical way that at many times felt loving because it was so human. i don't know that i feel that here and i think i want to; that is, i think that's what i'm searching for when i go on daily walks toward a home of anywhere. i spoke with a friend of mine who tells me he has been reclusive from people, not the world, for months now. there is vibrancy and positivity in his voice and i can hear how collected, calm, and kind he is with himself. it is difficult to be at peace with a peaceable life in a city. cities are invisible and they always have been, but they struggle against their own invisibility. the work we love and love to do is ghostly and must continue to be worked at. he held community in his voice. the munus in community is a gift we are always seeking to give to others.